Me. At least after what I've been through.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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