I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
