Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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