I'm gonna have a badass scar
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
a search helicopter?!
it's like heaven, but drunker
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
