found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
