I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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