i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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