Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
And then he peed in my hair
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