You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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