Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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