You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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