I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
