My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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