I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
