So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
