Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
