Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
