I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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