He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
