Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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