mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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