and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
