He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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