Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
