working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
