When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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