Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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