i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so let's talk penis.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
