she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
