When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
