can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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