Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I am naked and annoyed.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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