New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
