it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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