Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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