He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
