Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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