My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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