I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
