Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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