Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
