Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
