First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
