Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
