Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
