Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
