Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
