I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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