can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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