This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
