Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
