She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
