how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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