New low: just hacked my moms facebook
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
