My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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